Dear Jesus,
     I woke up this morning and part of me feels guilty for the medication I took last night.  It has sat on my dresser for two days, while I struggled with taking it for so many reasons.  I question even now that by taking it is it not trusting you?  Am I not believing that you are taking care of me?  Do I not believe you can untie the knots of anxiety in my heart and stomach; as you can also calm my unstable mind?  I sat in the car for 20 minutes before even going inside of the clinic.  I begged you to show me what to do.  I still feel so uneasy about the choice to take this medication, after reading of the roller coaster ride until it takes effect, along with the horrible battle of getting off of it.   Why can't I be stronger?  Why can't I be one of those that can just shake off life's  stresses and walk in complete faith. 

     The look on that sweet nurses face as I told her all that is going on in my life.  She was sweet and kind.  I didn't tell her that I had thought about ending my life just moments before.  This is not like me.  I love life.  I love the beauty of life.  The devil was whispering in my ear telling me that everyone would be better off without me.  How I just couldn't take the pain any longer.  Oh Jesus, I didn't take the addictive medication yet.  I've only taken the one to calm my anxiety.  I'm struggling for an answer.  I know you want me to be stronger, and I know my husband also wants me to be stronger.  I'm trying so hard.  I have moments where I feel like I can be, but then the bottom falls out from under me when the fear of the future takes it's death grip on my heart.  Then I feel as if I've let not only you down, but everyone else in my life.  All because I can't be stronger.

     I wouldn't blame my husband for wanting to be away from me.  Everyone usually does.  I was thinking about that last night.  Everyone in my life keeps me at arms length.  I think it's because they just cannot understand someone who struggles with depression.  I want to be free of it Jesus.  I want to be free to be the me that is underneath the chains of depression and anxiety.  I want to be the me that is strong and powerful through your holy spirit.  I see glimpses of this strong woman of God.  Please Jesus break off the chains that keep me prisoner.  Please Jesus help set me free.

In Jesus Name,
Amen